| My good friend, Tiffany Clark, who lives in Columbus, GA is one of the most amazing moms I’ve ever met. She has three grown biological children, all in college — but then she embarked on what I’ll just call ‘the crazy’ … she adopted four beautiful children from China between the ages of 13 and 7. Each of her adopted children has a disability of some kind or another but man nothing stops them. Fondly referred to as “The Littles”, they definitely know how to love each other up and entertain the hoards! And this family, wow, I’m in awe of them daily, especially their mom. This morning as I was sitting down to scribble out a newsletter about patience, I read her post on Facebook: “In the early days of The Dragon being home from China, this used to make me laugh. Toilet paper is NEVER to be flushed in most third world parts of the world. And then after he’d been home a year or so it kinda irked me. C’mon dude- I know you’ve been adjusting to a new culture, food, smells, clothing, a family…having a mama for mercy’s sake. But now it’s time to FLUSH the $&%#* TP! And today, as I emptied the trash from his bathroom and saw it yet full again (still?!?) with toilet paper, it made me sad. The Dragon has been home 3 1/2 years. He’s happy (lawd is he ever happy!), he’s behaving within normal parameters for an average 7 year old boy (he does love some potty jokes), he is reading (!!) and his English language skills are impressive (he can use the word ‘consequence’ correctly in a sentence…wonder why?), he LOVES with his whole cute little self…and yet he still throws his toilet paper in the trash can instead of flushing it. And all I can think is – What punishment he must have endured in that orphanage in Inner Mongolia to have this habit ingrained so deeply in his sweet little psyche? And this brings me to another point. I don’t know all of the psycho babble (but my friend Tamara does if you need more information!) for what I’m about to tell you but I know it to be true in my heart (AND in my experience- I think being a mama to 7 uniquely qualifies me as an expert). Kids that come from hard places are often resilient and masters of manipulation. They can put on a front and fake it with the best of them. But there are tiny scars on their souls. Little habits that peak out every now and then. When people tell me how lucky my kids are to have “escaped” and come home so early and not had to live a life in those hard places…. yes. They are truly tiny miracles walking around amongst us. But they are not unscathed. So many small but mighty things happen in our characters, brains, and spirits when we are very young – they shape us. FOR LIFE. And every time they hit a new milestone in development – a new stage – they re-examine themselves and ask questions all over again about who they are NOW. “What does this new phase — puberty, divorce, death of a loved one— tell me about who I am?” They may be young but they are asking these questions in their own ways. It is never ending. We all do this. But add abandonment and trauma into the mix and raising these children becomes a whole new animal. This is not to say I don’t set the bar high or have some heavy expectations – I don’t entertain whining or excuses. Ask my big kids (MaggieRuth) but it does help me understand and react to seemingly crazy behaviors differently. So this morning The Dragon and I had a talk AGAIN about where the toilet paper goes…but I didn’t berate him. Just gently reminded him it’s ok to flush it, man. No one is going to punish you over your toilet paper habits in THIS world. PS – yes. I am the only Facebook friend you have who would actually post a picture of used toilet paper. My mama (Nancy) is so proud.” And that, my friends, is why we need to practice patience. So we can be more like Tiffany. Because it’s true. As Tiffany said, “So many small but mighty things happen in our characters, brains, and spirits when we are very young – they shape us. FOR LIFE. And every time they (our children)hit a new milestone in development – a new stage – they re-examine themselves and ask questions all over again about who they are NOW. “ That’s exactly what happens … The American Academy of Pediatrics states in a 2016 publication entitled, Helping Foster and Adoptive Families cope with Trauma,“Adoptive and foster families may struggle to understand and support their new children. Because these children may have experienced significant trauma prior to their placement, they may view and react to people and events in ways that may seem unusual, exaggerated, or irrational. Recent advances in developmental science are revealing how significant adversity in childhood alters both the way the genome is read and the developing brain is wired. In this way, early childhood trauma is biologically embedded, influencing learning, behavior and health for decades to come.” The publication is really important and I hope each of you takes the time to read it. But my greatest take away is the notion that all fostered and adopted children suffer trauma. When we as parents make that assumption, it allows us to change the way we see our adopted children. It gives us the capacity to understand, to find more compassion, more patience, more kindness, more acceptance, more tolerance and hopefullly, the desire to learn more about trauma and it’s impact on our children. Which brings me to patience. I’ll be honest, patience is not my forte. So for those of you who, like me, need reminders, I read another brilliant article in Psychology Today entitled, Impatient? Why and How to Practice Patience.This article is a lifesaver for me. I used to beat myself up over being impatient and now I realize practicing patience makes me better at it! And more importantly, I can look at patience as an act of compassion, for me and those around me (particularly my children). I suffer when I am impatient. It hurts when I react out of anger or frustration. It’s definitely a stress response. So when I can practice patience, I feel better about me, about my kids and about being calm. It just plain feels good! And when I feel good, those around me are more likely to feed off my good energy. Stress isn’t going to go away but with some good tools, I can control the way I release it. The article outlines some great tools for learning how to practice patience: 1) Recognize that impatience has arisen. We are already aware of our triggers, pay attention to those! If it’s traffic, long lines at the grocery store, people who are late, just notice it. Notice when your impatience arises and how it makes your body feel. But most importantly, remember that your impatience is often born out of unrealistic expectations. If we can notice our impatience and then remind ourselves that our impatience is not going to change the outcome, it will alleviate some of the anxiety we are experiencing. 2) Investigate how impatience feels in your mind and body. The only way to accept impatience and practice patience is to notice how impatience makes you feel. Are you calm or agitated. Is your heart racing? Is your body tense? Feel into that and really focus on how badly it makes your body feel. 3) Begin to transform impatience to patience. Find the good. This is where we have to practice! And we are reminded in the article, patience is an act of self-compassion. So when you are in a situation where being impatient is your initial reaction (there’s a really bad driver in front of you), notice how you feel inside your mind and body, and think, “is there anything I can do to change the situation without making matters worse for myself and others?” If the answer is “no”, then ask yourself to find the good (or at a minimum, the good spin) in that situation. My kiddos would tell you that my favorite phrase is, “you idiot”, when I’m berating other drivers from the safety of my car. When I realized they noticed this, I knew I needed to change that behavior. The last thing I want to pass along to my children is road rage – ugh, it’s a curse, but I’m working on it! So I have begun to practice … I try to imagine why the other drivers (literally every single one of them) are driving so poorly or hurriedly. Maybe they have an emergency (their child is in the hospital) and they are desperately trying to get to their child. Everyone has a story that is separate from mine – reminding myself of that helps tremendously. Also, just because I want the circumstance to change, I have to admit, I cannot change the outcome, at least not right now. But, if I can put a positive spin on the situation, I can typically calm myself down very quickly. Bottom line, this is a mindfulness practice. But when it comes to our sanity and how we interact with our adopted kiddos, these kinds of mindfulness practices are as important as any other thing we do. Our goal is to grow patient, kind, compassionate children – not kids that are stress cases behind the wheel of a car. Amiright? So next time your child puts toilet paper in the trash rather than flushing it down the toilet, remind yourself, as Tiffany did above, that our children are trauma survivors and they will have manifestations of that trauma that baffle us. But we, as amazing, patient parents, will learn to deal with those manifestations without going berserk – if we practice! So here’s to practicing patience! And if you ever want to talk to someone that deals with trauma on a regular basis, here are a couple of resources in Columbus, GA and in the Denver/Boulder area: Courtney Loving, LCPC Phone: (208) 721-0478 Shanly H. Weber, MA, SEP Phone: (303) 625-7946 Marcy Wehrman, Counselor, MA, LPCC, NCC (720) 893-8136 You can also always give me a shout. I’d be happy to talk about my experiences and the way I practice becoming a better parent. Lastly, when you are ready to explore the world with your family, please schedule a 30-minute Discovery Session with me at www.calendly.com/bambi. I’d LOVE to help! Until next time, Bambi Wineland is the mother of two internationally adopted children, a traveler, a Certified Professional Coach, and the Founder and CEO of Motherland Travel. Motherland Travel began by designing Heritage Journeys for families with internationally adopted children. The emphasis of those Heritage Journeys has always been on deepening family connections, building self-esteem and cultivating pride in a family’s multi-cultural heritage. Motherland Travel also uses the philosophies of transformative Travel for designing family trips with purpose – building rich connections, with each other and the world! Read more about her here >> http://motherlandtravel.com/ “In the early days of The Dragon being home from China, this used to make me laugh. Toilet paper is NEVER to be flushed in most third world parts of the world. And then after he’d been home a year or so it kinda irked me. C’mon dude- I know you’ve been adjusting to a new culture, food, smells, clothing, a family…having a mama for mercy’s sake. But now it’s time to FLUSH the $&%#* TP! And today, as I emptied the trash from his bathroom and saw it yet full again (still?!?) with toilet paper, it made me sad. The Dragon has been home 3 1/2 years. He’s happy (lawd is he ever happy!), he’s behaving within normal parameters for an average 7 year old boy (he does love some potty jokes), he is reading (!!) and his English language skills are impressive (he can use the word ‘consequence’ correctly in a sentence…wonder why?), he LOVES with his whole cute little self…and yet he still throws his toilet paper in the trash can instead of flushing it. And all I can think is – What punishment he must have endured in that orphanage in Inner Mongolia to have this habit ingrained so deeply in his sweet little psyche? And this brings me to another point. I don’t know all of the psycho babble (but my friend Tamara does if you need more information!) for what I’m about to tell you but I know it to be true in my heart (AND in my experience- I think being a mama to 7 uniquely qualifies me as an expert). Kids that come from hard places are often resilient and masters of manipulation. They can put on a front and fake it with the best of them. But there are tiny scars on their souls. Little habits that peak out every now and then. When people tell me how lucky my kids are to have “escaped” and come home so early and not had to live a life in those hard places…. yes. They are truly tiny miracles walking around amongst us. But they are not unscathed. So many small but mighty things happen in our characters, brains, and spirits when we are very young – they shape us. FOR LIFE. And every time they hit a new milestone in development – a new stage – they re-examine themselves and ask questions all over again about who they are NOW. “What does this new phase — puberty, divorce, death of a loved one— tell me about who I am?” They may be young but they are asking these questions in their own ways. It is never ending. We all do this. But add abandonment and trauma into the mix and raising these children becomes a whole new animal. This is not to say I don’t set the bar high or have some heavy expectations – I don’t entertain whining or excuses. Ask my big kids (MaggieRuth) but it does help me understand and react to seemingly crazy behaviors differently. So this morning The Dragon and I had a talk AGAIN about where the toilet paper goes…but I didn’t berate him. Just gently reminded him it’s ok to flush it, man. No one is going to punish you over your toilet paper habits in THIS world. PS – yes. I am the only Facebook friend you have who would actually post a picture of used toilet paper. My mama (Nancy) is so proud.” And that, my friends, is why we need to practice patience. So we can be more like Tiffany. Because it’s true. As Tiffany said, “So many small but mighty things happen in our characters, brains, and spirits when we are very young – they shape us. FOR LIFE. And every time they (our children)hit a new milestone in development – a new stage – they re-examine themselves and ask questions all over again about who they are NOW. “ That’s exactly what happens … The American Academy of Pediatrics states in a 2016 publication entitled, Helping Foster and Adoptive Families cope with Trauma,“Adoptive and foster families may struggle to understand and support their new children. Because these children may have experienced significant trauma prior to their placement, they may view and react to people and events in ways that may seem unusual, exaggerated, or irrational. Recent advances in developmental science are revealing how significant adversity in childhood alters both the way the genome is read and the developing brain is wired. In this way, early childhood trauma is biologically embedded, influencing learning, behavior and health for decades to come.” The publication is really important and I hope each of you takes the time to read it. But my greatest take away is the notion that all fostered and adopted children suffer trauma. When we as parents make that assumption, it allows us to change the way we see our adopted children. It gives us the capacity to understand, to find more compassion, more patience, more kindness, more acceptance, more tolerance and hopefullly, the desire to learn more about trauma and it’s impact on our children. Which brings me to patience. I’ll be honest, patience is not my forte. So for those of you who, like me, need reminders, I read another brilliant article in Psychology Today entitled, Impatient? Why and How to Practice Patience.This article is a lifesaver for me. I used to beat myself up over being impatient and now I realize practicing patience makes me better at it! And more importantly, I can look at patience as an act of compassion, for me and those around me (particularly my children). I suffer when I am impatient. It hurts when I react out of anger or frustration. It’s definitely a stress response. So when I can practice patience, I feel better about me, about my kids and about being calm. It just plain feels good! And when I feel good, those around me are more likely to feed off my good energy. Stress isn’t going to go away but with some good tools, I can control the way I release it. The article outlines some great tools for learning how to practice patience: 1) Recognize that impatience has arisen. We are already aware of our triggers, pay attention to those! If it’s traffic, long lines at the grocery store, people who are late, just notice it. Notice when your impatience arises and how it makes your body feel. But most importantly, remember that your impatience is often born out of unrealistic expectations. If we can notice our impatience and then remind ourselves that our impatience is not going to change the outcome, it will alleviate some of the anxiety we are experiencing. 2) Investigate how impatience feels in your mind and body. The only way to accept impatience and practice patience is to notice how impatience makes you feel. Are you calm or agitated. Is your heart racing? Is your body tense? Feel into that and really focus on how badly it makes your body feel. 3) Begin to transform impatience to patience. Find the good. This is where we have to practice! And we are reminded in the article, patience is an act of self-compassion. So when you are in a situation where being impatient is your initial reaction (there’s a really bad driver in front of you), notice how you feel inside your mind and body, and think, “is there anything I can do to change the situation without making matters worse for myself and others?” If the answer is “no”, then ask yourself to find the good (or at a minimum, the good spin) in that situation. My kiddos would tell you that my favorite phrase is, “you idiot”, when I’m berating other drivers from the safety of my car. When I realized they noticed this, I knew I needed to change that behavior. The last thing I want to pass along to my children is road rage – ugh, it’s a curse, but I’m working on it! So I have begun to practice … I try to imagine why the other drivers (literally every single one of them) are driving so poorly or hurriedly. Maybe they have an emergency (their child is in the hospital) and they are desperately trying to get to their child. Everyone has a story that is separate from mine – reminding myself of that helps tremendously. Also, just because I want the circumstance to change, I have to admit, I cannot change the outcome, at least not right now. But, if I can put a positive spin on the situation, I can typically calm myself down very quickly. Bottom line, this is a mindfulness practice. But when it comes to our sanity and how we interact with our adopted kiddos, these kinds of mindfulness practices are as important as any other thing we do. Our goal is to grow patient, kind, compassionate children – not kids that are stress cases behind the wheel of a car. Amiright? So next time your child puts toilet paper in the trash rather than flushing it down the toilet, remind yourself, as Tiffany did above, that our children are trauma survivors and they will have manifestations of that trauma that baffle us. But we, as amazing, patient parents, will learn to deal with those manifestations without going berserk – if we practice! So here’s to practicing patience! And if you ever want to talk to someone that deals with trauma on a regular basis, here are a couple of resources in Columbus, GA and in the Denver/Boulder area: Courtney Loving, LCPC Phone: (208) 721-0478 Shanly H. Weber, MA, SEP Phone: (303) 625-7946 Marcy Wehrman, Counselor, MA, LPCC, NCC (720) 893-8136 You can also always give me a shout. I’d be happy to talk about my experiences and the way I practice becoming a better parent. Lastly, when you are ready to explore the world with your family, please schedule a 30-minute Discovery Session with me at www.calendly.com/bambi. I’d LOVE to help! Until next time, Bambi Wineland is the mother of two internationally adopted children, a traveler, a Certified Professional Coach, and the Founder and CEO of Motherland Travel. Motherland Travel began by designing Heritage Journeys for families with internationally adopted children. The emphasis of those Heritage Journeys has always been on deepening family connections, building self-esteem and cultivating pride in a family’s multi-cultural heritage. Motherland Travel also uses the philosophies of transformative Travel for designing family trips with purpose – building rich connections, with each other and the world! Read more about her here >> http://motherlandtravel.com/ |
