The Birth Mother Search
First, let me begin by telling you that this newsletter is very personal. I want to talk about an ongoing discussion I have with my son about finding his birth mother. You may have already had this discussion, made a determination on how to deal with it or have even found your child’s birth mother. If you have found your child’s birth mother (or family) I’d be immensely grateful if you could share your insights with the rest of us. If you haven’t but you’ve had these conversations, we’d love to hear about that as well. This newsletter will be spread out over three weeks. I am hoping to create a forum for comments and discussions through this thread.
The Birth Mother Conversation Challenges
Yesterday I had a difficult conversation with my 12-year-old son, Jac. He has been very vocal about finding his birth mother in Guatemala for as long as I can remember but lately his sense of urgency has increased dramatically. It’s been a difficult year for Jac so I am not inclined to put any more stress on him than is absolutely necessary.
Jac had two significant bullying incidents at school this year that have left him with lower than normal self-esteem and a need for a lot more one on one connection – with both his father and me, as well as his therapist, his school counselors, his teachers and even his close friends. His grandmother passed away in the midst of the tumult at school, which further complicated his ability to rebound. Jac adored his grandmother. Watching her suffer through years of dementia that left her barely recognizable to the rest of us did not faze him. She was his person. Her death hit him very hard.
Jac creates and maintains very deep, emotional connections. He is one of the most affable, kind, loving, empathetic kids I have ever known and events like he has been through this year have caused him great distress. I don’t know if you are familiar with the term but his first-grade teacher told me he was an “Indigo Child” – the same thing his beloved grandmother used to call him. I call him an old soul and it pains me to see him suffer.
When Jac and I were at lunch yesterday he asked if I had found a company to help us search for his birth mother. I said I had. He wanted to know when we would begin the search. I explained to him that I have deep fears about his health right now in the aftermath of so many big, life-altering events. He told me in no uncertain terms that this was his decision and it was absolutely necessary for him to begin this search. He made it very clear to me that it is essential for him to figure out “how he fits in”. He said he is different than anyone he knows and he needs to explore his roots. Jac went so far as to accuse me of keeping him from knowing his birth mother because of my fears about what that will look like. It is clear I need perspective.
As a parent I have to consider what I think my child can handle. I also have to evaluate my own fears about this search and be certain those are not overriding his need to know. I must consider the fears my child has expressed independent of my fears and weigh that against what we actually do know. I have to weigh the impact of finding my son’s birth mother on how it will impact the rest of our family. Finally, I have to weigh what the impact of not moving forward with a birth mother search will have on mine and Jac’s relationship.
To be quite honest, I have been reluctant to even begin a search because if Jac asked me (which he does often) what I know, I would not be able to tell him anything other than the truth. And what if that news isn’t good?
The fears I face with regard to a Birth Mother Search
- Fear that my child may have been taken illegally from his birth mother.
- Fear that my child’s birth mother was in the business of making babies to climb out of poverty.
- Fear that she was a prostitute. Statistically, the area where she is from has a high rate of prostitution.
- Fear of finding my child’s birth mother. What if they want to have a relationship? How will that impact me and the rest of my family?
- Fear that my child’s birth mother might reject him. He would be crushed. How would I spin that?
- Fear that my child’s birth mother/family would want something (maybe money) that I was unwilling or unable to provide. Or that in the future, my child was unwilling or unable to provide.
- Fear that she or someone is sick or in dire need and how that would affect Jac.
- Fear that it was wrong to take my child from his or her homeland, from his culture?
Before I continue with the discussion I had with Jac, I’d love to know what fears you have and if they are the same things that keep me up at night. Feel free to respond via email or in the comments section of this post on my website under “Blogs”. Next week I want to share the thoughts that Jac has expressed. He started a Google Doc of his thoughts and he has categorized them by what makes him happy, sad, scared, etc.
Thank you so much for participating. I look forward to reading about the experiences you have had.
All my best,
Bambi Wineland is the mother of two internationally adopted children, a traveler, the Founder and CEO of Motherland Travel. Motherland Travel designs Heritage Journeys for families with internationally adopted children. The emphasis of these Heritage Journeys is on family bonding, building self-esteem and cultivating pride in a family’s multi-cultural heritage. Read more about her here >> http://motherlandtravel.com/
As always, when you are ready to begin planning your child’s Heritage Journey, I’d love to help. You can sign up for a 30-minute discovery session with me at calendly.com/bambi.
Bambi, I’ve had all the same fears, along with jealousy of his birth mom if the end up having a great relationship.
I heard the story of a birth mom that was found living hear in the US with 3 more kids, and left a couple kids in Guatemala with the grandma, living in what was practically a hut. So, the adopted boy, how did he feel about being the one “given away”? The adopted boy also felt guilty for having a nice life with nice things like a tv and computer. I also heard from a mom (at our Heritage Camp), that finding her daughter’s birth mom totally changed her daughter-for the better. She felt better about herself, was more open and happy. It obviously can go either way. It can be a lot for a child, for a lot different reasons. I had a therapist once point out to me that I wasn’t ready, which she was right. But Charlie isn’t so anxious yet, and hasn’t had the life turmoils Jac has had. I was adopted at birth, and I never really had a desire to find my birth mom-except when I was about 13. Looking back, I feel like it was just another thing to be down about at that age….but I’m not the norm, by any means 😎 I think you’ll find the right answer for you and your family. You may not be able to make that decision until you meet his birth mom yourself, then move forward.
I love this conversation and can’t wait to hear from others-thanks Bambi!!
Thanks so much for your insights Holly. And yes, I think Jac was correct in thinking I had my own fears about the relationship he might have with his birth mother. That was not at the forefront of my thinking but it’s true. He and I are really close and it is a scary thought – to have to share him with his birth mother. I sincerely appreciate you joining in the conversation and look forward to continuing this discussion. My best to you and Charlie!
Bambi,
We are somewhat in sync. Just yesterday, we submitted all of the requested items for our search and we are awaiting a search date. As you know, our 10 year old son is younger than Jac, and his questions/desires have been coming from curiosity and questioning in early identity-making, rather than (explicit) emotional longing. He has also not experienced the degree of trauma and loss you describe for Jac over the past year. Still, something about his persistent questioning helped me understand that now is the time for our family, as ready (or not) as we can be for this significant leap into uncharted territories. Even though I did enormous research in getting to this point, I am worried that I am naive in that I feel, or rather hope, that knowledge is power – even if that knowledge is difficult, as it will be regardless of the details for any given adoption situation. I have grappled with many of the fears you articulated, but somehow trust that I will have (or can find) the resources to help our son and our family process the information, potential relationships, challenging details, unanswered questions, and multiple unknowns. Thank you for sharing your experiences, and inviting conversation on this topic.
Oh my gosh Meghan!! I’m so excited for you too! Could you send me the name of the company you are using via email if you don’t mind? I’d love to keep that on file. Yes, there are so many unanswered questions. I was certain this was the year to find Jac’s birth mother. I facilitated the ground operations for a client last summer that found their son’s birth mother and siblings and it was a wonderful experience for all of them (and all of us that helped facilitate it!). That trip is what gave me the courage to move forward and I was sure Jac was ready. Then all of the trauma at school this year kept me from pursuing the finding. Next week I am going to talk more about Jac’s feelings/thoughts/fears in my newsletter. After our discussion, he created (all on his own) a spreadsheet of his feelings. It is amazingly thoughtful! He’s meeting with his counselor to suss out some of those emotions but as soon as he is done with his document I’ll share it with you if you’d like. Maybe it’s something that will help when you talk to Eddie? Another child’s perspective is always helpful! Thank you for joining in this discussion. I’m very excited for all of you and happy to help in any way I can!!
Hey Bambi,
Every one of the fears you enumerated are legitimate. However, if your son is determined, he will find his own way in this without your guidance. It might be a good idea to explain all of your fears and the reasoning behind them. It will give him a more adult perspective on those fears. He may not fully understand them, but at least he will know why you have them. This is emotionally fraught for the both of you and only you can judge Jac’s actual ability to really handle the situation. Perhaps a professional counselor with a point of view outside the scope of your collective emotions should be consulted before any decision is made. Jac may take his or her advice more seriously. My two cents.
You are absolutely right Clint! And interestingly, you and I share an almost identical thought processes. When Jac and I had our discussion on Sunday he wanted to know what my fears were so I did talk (cautiously) about most of them – leaving out the most dire and hard to understand for a 12 year old. Jac then came home and created his own spreadsheet of fears/thoughts/feelings and shared it with me, which was amazing and what I will share in my newsletter next week! He is very insightful for a young man. On Monday he is seeing his counselor. I told him that we would wait to make a decision based on all our discussions over the next couple of weeks. I am opening up to the idea more and more but yes, I agree it is a process! But we’re jumping in! Thank you so much for your insights Clint. I sincerely appreciate hearing from you! How’s China? Are you back yet??
Hello,
I wanted to start off by saying that I myself am a Guatemalan adoptee. I am almost 18 years old, and over the course of the past 6 months I have found my birth mother (with the help of my mom), and have began the reconnecting process. I am not sure how I exactly happened upon this page, but if you ever would like some insight/perspective from a fellow Guatemalan adoptee about the process, I would be more than happy to help. I know and understand that this newsletter is written more for adoptive parents.
-Liz
Hi Liz!
I’m so sorry I missed your message to me. My notifications were inadvertantly turned off. I’d love to chat with you about your expereince. Would you mind writing to me via email and we can exchange phone numbers? My personal email address is bambiwineland@gmail.com. I look forward to connecting with you!
No worries! I just sent you an email with a little more information.
Hello,
I have been reading these comments and was very interested , my best friend was born in Guatemala and was adopted when she was 3 she is now 22 , her all time dream is to locate her birth mother, I want to help her with this dream..any information you could share on how to start this process I would greatly appreciate.
Amber
Anewton1010@yahoo.com
Hi Amber,
I apologize for the delay. For some reason my notifications have been turned off. I tried to remedy the problem and it is still not working, so I missed this message. Many apologies! Here is the information I received this summer on birth family searcher recommendations. And if you or your friend need help planning a trip, please let me know, I’d be thrilled to help! To contact me directly, please email me at bambi@motherlandtravel.com. Let me know if there is anything else you need!
Guatemala Birth Family Searchers
Here are 3 active searchers that I have information for. The best thing to do is reach out to each and ask what they need to perform a search, how long it would take them to do it, what information you will receive and what they would charge. I know Ana is willing to do meetings and keep contact with families if you desire and I think the others do as well. That is another good question to ask.
Ana – born_in_guatemala@hotmail.com
Susi – susi@affguatemala.org
Fide and Velvet – One lives in the US and one in Guatemala
velvet@redlengua.com, fidechavajay@gmail.com
Hi, we hope to travel to Guatemala this summer. My son was 1 when we adopted him and is now 19 and in uni. I’ve all the fears that Bambi had written, selfishly how they’ll affect me, but also how they’ll affect my son. Wondering if you’ve travelled or how you’ve gone about connecting with your mum? Hopefully it’s going well for you.
Hi Mandy!
Thanks so much for joining in on this thread. If you don’t hear back from Liz in the near future let me know and I’d be glad to reach out to her via email and hopefully make a connection between the two of you. For some crazy reason I do not always receive notifications when someone comments on one of my blog posts so sometimes they get lost. If you want to chat with me personally, feel free to reach out to me at bambi@motherlandtravel.com or at 303-807-9058. And if you are planning a trip to Guatemala this summer, I’d be thrilled to help. When we design a Heritage Journey for an adoptive family we focus on helping families build stronger connections – with each other, with their child’s birth country and when the time is right, with the birth family. Let me know if I can help.
My best to you,
Bambi
I would love resources. I would love to help my adopted sister from Guatemala ,Jessi Anne to research and find her mother so she has closure to what her story is.
Hi Elise,
Just wanted to make sure you received my email a while back? I sent you several names of birth family searchers in Guatemala. I apologize for not responding here as well.
Thank you for sharing!
Hi Liz,
I randomly found this page and wanted to see if we could connect to discuss how you found your birth mother. I was adopted from Guatemala in 1988 and I have always wanted to find my mother and sister. Wanted to learn more about your story.
My email address is lcppa@me.com
Look forward to hearing from you.
Best,
Laura
Hi Laura,
I don’t have a personal story but if you need information about searchers in Guatemala please reach out to me via email and I’ll send you the information I have. You can reach me at bambi@motherlandtravel.com. I look forward to following your story!!!!
All my best,
Bambi Wineland
Bambi and Liz,
I have an adopted daughter from Guatemala and she would like to find her birth mother. My daughter is 15 and feels deeply about everything. I suppose this search could take awhile? Do you have a contact on how I can start the process? Thank you so much. My email is mcbru@sbcglobal.net.
Michele Bru
Hi Michele,
I hope you received the email I sent to you with the names of three reputable searchers in Guatemala. If not please let me know. You can email me directly at bambi@motherlandtravel.com if you’d like. Sending you and your daughter much love and hope as you seek answers.
All my best,
Bambi
Dear Bambi,
I wanted to follow up with you and tell you that we did use Ana to find Marbelly’s birth mom. Unfortunately, we found her birth mom to be deceased. This news has been very difficult for my daughter. It seems she had all these plans about her birth mom in her head. Now those dreams are gone and she is really feeling the loss. She has a counselor to help her through this, but I fear this will be a long process. It has taken a toll on our family and relationship. I’m not sure we will ever recover to the way things were before the search. I think though we had no choice but tod do the search and Ana was great, but sometimes we don’t find exactly what we were hoping for. I’m hoping once she emerges from this struggle, my daughter will be stronger for it.
Oh Michele, I’m so sorry to hear this news! I’m glad you have a counselor. Geez, our kiddos go through so much torment and we ache on their behalf – I can totally feel your pain, and your daughter’s. I am wondering if Ana was able to locate any of your daughter’s siblings or even siblings of her birth mother (aunts or uncles)?
Also, a well planned trip to Guatemala could be a great way to begin the healing process. I know that’s a lot to think about but I can see huge possibilities for personal growth and healing in simply understanding her culture and how difficult life is for so many. It can also be a very connecting journey for your family — that’s what I specialize in. If you’d like to talk in greater detail, sign up for a time on my online calendar to be sure I’m available. I’d love to visit with you and hear your family’s story. I might be able to offer some comfort. calendly.com/bambi
I hope to connect with you soon. I’ll be holding all of you in my heart.
Bambi
My son is almost 12 and worries a great deal about his birth mother in Guatemala. We adopted him at 9 months and I promised to return when he is 18. Is this too long to wait?
Hi Bruce.
I can’t give you a definitive answer because it is different for every family. I would like to understand your reasoning for “18” being the goal post. Is that just for a search? Have you considered a visit, without a search? These days I think most people who deal with issues related to adoption, as well as birth country travel would agree that children should be exposed to their cultural heritage as often as possible in order to foster positive identity development. That doesn’t necessarily equate to a birth country trip but do you go to heritage camps or engage in other cultural activities related to his cultural heritage? I’d love to talk to you more about this if you have some time. If you’d like to chat about this in more detail, check out my calendar on calendly and pick a time that works for you. I’d be glad to give you some more detailed insights – I just have so many questions. You can sign up for a time at calendly.com/bambi. Or feel free to shoot me an email at bambi@motherlandtravel.com. I’d love to help any way I can!
My daughter is 16 and we want to search for her birth mother. Any insight on how to start the process would be great. I have been exploring this for a few years but haven’t found any concrete way to search.
Hi Andrea,
I’m so sorry I missed this note! For some reason I don’t always get notifications – I need to talk to my IT admin. I will email you the names of 3 searchers today. Let me know if there is anything else you need!
Bambi
Hi Liz if you could email me atmrbyc123@gmail.com that would be great. I have many question.
Do you have contact info for any searchers? It seems to be the right time in our house to begin the process. Any assistance that anyone might have would be greatly appreciated! Thank you in advance!
Hi Erin,
I apologize for the delay. For some reason my notifications have been turned off. I tried to remedy the problem and it is still not working, so I missed this message. Many apologies! Here is the information I received this summer on birth family searcher recommendations. And if you need help planning your trip, please let me know, I’d be thrilled to help! To contact me directly, please email me at bambi@motherlandtravel.com. I’m so excited for you and your family! Let me know if there is anything else you need!
Guatemala Birth Family Searchers
Here are 3 active searchers that I have information for. The best thing to do is reach out to each and ask what they need to perform a search, how long it would take them to do it, what information you will receive and what they would charge. I know Ana is willing to do meetings and keep contact with families if you desire and I think the others do as well. That is another good question to ask.
Ana – born_in_guatemala@hotmail.com
Susi – susi@affguatemala.org
Fide and Velvet – One lives in the US and one in Guatemala
velvet@redlengua.com, fidechavajay@gmail.com
Hi, My name is Debbie. We adopted our daughter in 2009 although we started the processin 2007it took over 2years. Our adoption story is unbelievable to manypeople.We went to Guatemala to finish our own adoption. We got stuck in Guatemala for almost 2 months because of paperwork. She is now 11 and having a difficult time. Everyday she is thinking of her birth mother. She wants to ask her why she gave her away. I tell her she loves her very much to give her to us so she can become an American citizen.and she was very poor according to the adoption papers. I talk to her everyday and hope Ican take some of her tears and fears away. She is in counseling and seems to be a little happier. But she still wants to go to Guatemala and meet her. She knows we are very supportive in taking her to Guatemala but told her about what might happen if we find her and she meets her. It breaks my heart as her mother to see her struggle with the unknown everyday. We love her and prayer she finds peace. And can be happy again like when she was a little girl. And I pray for all the adoptive moms and birth moms to find peace and happiness for their children and themselves. She is our miracle.. GodBless
Hi Debbie. Thank you so much for sharing your story here. It sounds like a very difficult situation and I’m so sorry that your daughter struggles so much. I’d say the good news is that she is able to talk to you! That’s huge. Have you been in contact with a searcher yet? Do you know where her birth mother is? Does she have siblings or other family members? Maybe more answers would be helpful to you and her if you don’t think she is quite ready for a reunion. I’m so glad to hear she’s in counseling. I hope that helps her. Do you attend any Heritage Camps? That has made a huge difference in our family! And traveling to Guatemala, even without a birth family search (provided she gets to choose many of the activities) will also likely quell some of her longings – and bring her closer to you and her culture. Birth Country travel can also bring on many anxieties but when well thought out, it should be a very positive experience. I have yet to have a kiddo that traveled with us leave Guatemala feeling anything but pride in his or her birth country and thrilled about their experiences. If this is something you’d like to talk more about, don’t hesitate to call me. I’d be glad to chat about the kinds of trip we might plan for you and beautiful daughter. I hope she finds peace Debbie. It’s so hard on us when our child is suffering. My heart aches for you! All my best, Bambi
I would like to reply to Debbie April 8, 2018. My daughter is also 11. She is very interested in finding her birth mom. She is fortunate that she has 3 biological siblings living in the U.S. whom she visits.
What her brother’s adoptive mom has discovered, through a search for their birth mom, is that apparently our birth mom used fake ID. So the name, address, birth place, cedula number etc. belong to someone other than our birth mom. Has anyone else been in this situation. If so, how did you or your searcher proceed?
Also we live in California, Bay Area and I would love to find other families that we can connect with. My daughter could use a support network of other children adopted from Guatemala.
Thanks
Hi Bambi, I think I’ve found my daughters birth mother on Facebook. She’s 18, and off to college this fall. I havnt told my daughter yet. It looks like the birth mom has a young daughter that looks a lot like my daughter at her age. I’m afaid for my daughter to contact birthmom directly and have contact without a middleman due to the problems with kidnapping and extortion I’ve read about in Guatemala which prevented me from traveling with her there this winter. Any advice
Hi Claudia. I’d love to know more! How old is your daughter? What makes you believe it could be your daughter’s birth mother? Did you tell your daughter about the woman you found on FB? Did you find her through a search agency or just by knowing her name? Yes, I agree. I don’t think it would be a good idea for your daughter to contact her directly. I feel like all communication should go through you, especially in the beginning. And I say that only as a gut reaction. I am not a licensed therapist or adoption specialist. I am, however, a certified professional coach, I have two adopted children and have been in the travel industry most of my life. My gut tells me that having your daughter reach out to her would be a mistake. That doesn’t mean you can’t send a message, but I don’t think I’d have your daughter reach out to her. I’m also curious about your comment with regard to kidnapping and extortion in Guatemala. I have never heard of an adopted child visiting his or her birth country and being kidnapped. Not that it hasn’t happened but I have never heard of this. There were serious issues with Guatemalan adoptions, especially in the early 2000’s, but the government shut down the adoption system in 2008 due to exactly that. They are considering reopening adoptions again but it seems they’ve been toying with the idea for several years now to no avail. Anyway, I’d love to know more about the circumstances you are talking about. If you’d like to call me, I’d be happy to talk anytime or please continue on this thread!! I’m sure others would like to see it too! If you want to chat, you can reach me at 303-807-9058. Thanks so much for reaching out to me here. I appreciate your contribution to this thread and look forward to hearing more!! My best to you, Bambi
I came upon this site today and and reading the comments found comfort in knowing many adoptive families have and/or are experiencing the same questions/concerns/etc as we are. Our daughter is 11, adopted from Guatemala in 2008 and within the last year has really expressed an interest in her birth family. She’s known her story from an early age and we’ve answered her questions as age appropriately as we can. We’ve shared a picture of her birth mother recently and that really seemed to hit home with her. Putting a face to a name was huge for her. But I fear it may have caused more questions than answers in her mind……My biggest fear is, as much as she knows we love her, there will forever be a void in her life that right now she can’t explain…I believe no one really knows, unless you are adopted yourself, how it feels to be given up. We never use “given up” when referring to our daughter’s adoption, especially with her but no matter now many times we tell her her birth mom “loved her so much” and wanted a better life for her, I know she has questions of WHY, that we can’t answer. My fear is she feels so deeply with everything that we may never really know how deeply this question hits her.
Hi Anne,
I’m so sorry for taking so long to welcome you to this conversation! For some reason, I didn’t get a notification that you had posted. Must be a glitch in my website function. I’ll check into it immediately. Your daughter’s story, like other adopted children, is unique and I’m sure difficult for everyone involved. You are absolutely right that no one really knows, unless they have personal experience, the emotion behind our children’s adoption stories. Feel free to share as you’d like and if you are searching for some answers, or even just some validation of your emotions and those your daughter has and will experience, check out my blog posts. I’ve done a ton of writing on the issues and needs of adopted children and adoptive parents. And if you need anything from me, feel free to reach out via email at bambi@motherlandtravel.com.
All my best,
Bambi
Bambi,
My name is Sara and I was adopted from Guatemala City when I was 8 years old I am 24 now. I was wondering what sources you found that could help you find your sons mother. Finding my mom is something that lays on my heart heavily. Email me at mrbyc123@gmail.com
Hi Sara,
I just emailed you the names of 3 searchers in Guatemala. If you need anything else, don’t hesitate to reach out.
Sending you much love and luck on your journey,
Bambi
Our daughter is now 13 and was adopted from Guatemala at age 5 1/2 months. We just did a search using Ana who I found on this site. Ana was incredible and I had no idea how brave the searchers need to be at times to do this job. The first thing we found out was that the papers/cedula etc were a fraud. This was very depressing to find out as the chances of finding our daughters birth mom were then extremely slim. Ana then persisted for us by making contact with other people including the foster mom and by chance talked to her daughter who had been involved with the adoption process. She recognized the picture of the mom. Ultimately Ana then found the mom and her partner and we now know that our daughter has 11 siblings!! It is unbelievable that we found her and I cannot thank Ana enough. She was sensitive, understanding, and very concerned for our daughter and for the feelings of the birth mom. She was also very professional and sent us detailed reports and photos. I would like to recommend her to others out there who are not sure where to start. We have not yet shared this all with our daughter but we will be soon. This has been a difficult time for our daughter and I know that this knowledge will help her.
Thank you so much for all this information and for recommending Ana! I will make a note of this on my referral sheet. Can folks call you if they’d like to talk about her? If yes, please email me your phone number at bambi@motherlandtravel.com. Also, if you need help planning your trip to meet your daughter’s birth mother and siblings, let me know. I’d be thrilled to help you put together a trip that will take into consideration all that your daughter and family are going through. Trips of this nature can be very difficult on all of you so don’t hesitate to reach out if you need help planning. My forte is understanding the emotional ramifications of a trip of this nature and planning a trip based on your family’s specific needs. Regardless of when you head to Guatemala, I’ll be sending you all much love on your journey over the coming days/months/years.
Bambi